Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Blonde Magic?

Kevin Millar in stadium parking lot after his game winning home run against the Devil Rays:

Millar: Man, wouldn’t I love to see those idiot fans that always boo me after every 0 for 4 night. Ha! What a win. I’m so great, I might treat myself to KFC.

Fan #1: Hey Kevin! Great game! That home run you hit, wow, that thing just exploded off your bat. Prettiest swing in baseball, baby.

Millar: Thanks, man, I really appreciate the support. The swing was no problem. That bastard threw me a minor league fastball, what was I supposed to do, ya know? Hey, while you guys are out here, I might as well hook you up
(throws each fan "fun size" bottles of Jack Daniels).

Fan #2: Bahh, you still suck. Seven home runs this year, my infant nephew could hit seven in a season with a wall 302 feet away. You’re a bust and we all want John Olerud.

Millar: You mean Helmet Boy? That’s a joke. This is Kevin Millar, World Champion Boston Red Sox you’re talking to here. Remember the whole "win tonight, Pedro in 5, Schill in 6, anything in Game 7 routine"? All me, buddy.

Fan #1: Don’t listen to him.

Millar: You know that Johnny Damon sex tape?

Fan #1: No?

Millar: Well, it’s coming out soon. And Johnny isn’t the guy in it
(snickers wildly, shapes fingers like guns and pretends to be John Wayne).

Fan #2: So you’re not only a horrible baseball player with a glove made of stone and that damn bat wave that makes me want to execute a five state killing spree, but you did it with Michelle Damon. What a little bastard we got here.

Millar: Listen, I’m just a normal guy that likes to hit a home run once in a while. I like big breasts, Madden video games and an occasional Jim Beam like every normal human being. Not to mention that pimpish style walk I have
(attempts to do moonwalk, trips and falls on his face).

Fan #2: Nice one, Kev.

Millar: If you’ll excuse me, I have to get home to my mistress…I mean, wife, before she suspects I pull a Derek Lowe or something. Pleasure talking to Sox Nation. Drive home safely.

Fan #1: You’re a very strange man. But thanks for coming through. (whispers) Bout f**king time, if you ask me.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Comeback Kids

MVP: Trot Nixon.

Just when you know that Trot gunning Toby Hall at the plate would save the game, the guy does something else to make you jump, dance and kiss your Wally the Green Monster stuffed doll. In a game where our favorite, Lou Piniella, almost created an earthquake with his constant arguing of fair calls, and our former bloodied ace looked like he belonged in A Lowell with Foulke, the Red Sox somehow, someway, came out with another huge victory. Could it be any more frustrating for the Devil Rays playing us? I mean, remember that comeback in July with Damon and the game saving catch, and now this! 5-0 lead in the second against Schilling, Ortiz goes 0-4, Johnny isn’t even in the lineup, and their young gun Kazmir pitching- and we still find a way to win. Shows you the heart and pride of this team.

And maybe we saw the first wave towards a 2005 Sox identity this year, with Millah and Schill turning all blonde on us. Dare I say, it looks very sexy on them. Schilling reminded us that he’s still not the godly specimen of old, but settled down later and kept the game from exploding in front of our eyes. The fans were great, also. Through all the rain and the slow start, man were they loud in those last two comeback innings. Best fans in baseball? No friggin contest.

Again, though, it was the entire team that made up this win. I can’t believe I’m typing this, but Manny had some very difficult plays in left tonight- and didn’t look like he was a puppet once. Caught em all, baby. Then the Johnny Bros coming off the bench, with Olerud making Millah look like cat food next to a filet mignon with the tying single (what the hell did I just say).

Tonight’s win was more than just a win. It was a "no mercy, no giving up, no letting the stupid Devil Rays and their hideous uniforms beat us" type of win.

Oh and one more thing, why the hell didn’t Francona pinch run for Ortiz?

Monday, August 29, 2005

Dedicated To Mr. Under-Appreciated

(First off, this post is dedicated to Bill Mueller. He’s cool. I like him. Great player. Go Sox.)

There was sort of a weird feeling in the stadium tonight. The clouds were dark and gray, the rain was lightly falling, almost like Lou Piniella was plotting for the world to end. But the game got underway and Damon crushed a homer to right field off Rays starter Seth McClung, and I was back into my Sox haven. Ortiz also ding-donged one later in the inning, and the run support for Matt Clement couldn’t possibly get any better. But it was the subs who really contributed tonight. Alex Cora had a couple hits and a ribbie. Johnny Olerud ripped three hard singles and played more excellent defense. I still wore my Who Died And Made You Tony Graffanino shirt even with my boy Cora playing, maybe it was good luck (actually there is no shirt, but I bet Michelle Damon can make some for me).

So, besides the orgasmic reactions that playing Tampa Bay at Fenway gives me, there’s no time to get cocky and start playing lazy. We need to take advantage of every home game, of every weak opponent, especially if the Yankees lose some games on the road. By the way, I wanted to acknowledge Tek for staying near .300 and Edgah! for making a solid bid to get there. These guys are red hot and part of our recent offensive success. Let’s just hope Damon is OK so I don’t have to put my finger in a vice again.

In other news, the Yankees are about to sign Bellhorn after he clears waivers. Fine, you bastards, now he can strike out and hit .210 for you. It makes me grin that some of the Sox rejects (yeah, I said rejects), Cashman is going for. Started with Embree. Good luck with these guys, Torre, they sure are spectacular. Watching Bellhorn bat is like seeing Christy Alley naked. Not good times.

Also, Boomah is pissed over not getting his suspension reduced after all the appeal hearings and long delay. And rightfully so. Maybe Bud ate his cake.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Dmitri Strikes Back

After experiencing a heart-wrenching comeback by the Yankees that makes you question the meaning of life, I was more than ready to watch some Tiger whoop ass. After Bronson took care of their lineup without much problem through the first three innings, and that rampaging offense of ours killed Douglass the second time in the order (and damn do we kill pitchers the second time), the stars looked aligned for an easy relaxing win. Or so I thought. Renteria with an RBI single, Ortiz with a three run jack, Nixon delivers his own on the center field fence and over, and by golly, its 6-0 Sawx! And Arroyo looks determined to actually win a game.

Feeling the game was in tact, I went out to dinner. Smiling, eating happily, talking, just a nice night knowing in the back of my head that Stephen King was probably pinch hitting and the Tigers had called up Hazel Mae to try to shut down this blowout. When I returned to my homeless station near Copley Square and flipped on my 72-inch big screen HD TV, I almost knocked over my penny bucket. The Tigers were up 9-8 and Jeremi Gonzalez was pitching. Yikes.

Naturally, I went insane. And as I was going insane, the Tigers were too. Gonzalez’s poor effort makes it 11-8, Remlinger makes it 12-8, and the game is over faster than my right thumb. The lesson today: Never, ever think that a Red Sox game is in the bag. Not even if they’re beating the Yankees 18-1 at Fenway and some guy named Melky is playing centerfield. Not even if they’re destroying the D’Rays by 22 runs and Dewon Brazelton is on his eighth inning of work. It comes back to haunt you in a bad, bad way.

The Yankees are a slim one and a half games behind our chuggin asses, and today we need a win more than any other day of the year. Because the Skanks are playin the RoyAAAls, so you know what that means. Robertson is pitching for the Tigers, a guy we saw a week ago in Detroit, and Boomah is goin for the Sawx. Sounds favorable to me. So bring out the BBQ wings, hot sauce, Lays sour cream and onion and lets chill with our favorite team on a Sunday afternoon.

Friday, August 26, 2005


You know, I really thought last night would turn out to be one of the more memorable games of the year. Curt Schilling comes out on the mound with a Superman cape on, fierce attitude and all, and throws a gem against a team with more losses than any team has wins. His first start of the official season (in my book) since leaving his shaky closers role I thought would go over just fine. My first reaction to the news was "he’s not ready" then "we’re desperate" and by the time the first pitch crossed the plate it was "holy shiznit, Curt Schilling is starting again." Did I mention he was facing the Central cellar dweller Kansas City?

So I was pumped. Let’s just say balloons and a pinata were involved. The first inning went absolutely delightful, and I swear on Pokey Reese’s life I will never say that word again. He clocked 94 on the gun, struck out two, and gave up one measly hit. After a drunken haze which involved three runs on six hits in the second inning against guys named Danny Hocking and Matt Stairs, Schilling limped off the mound with nothing to show for except inserting a fistful of doubt in the minds of his fans. But really, our offense is due! We’ve left more runners on base in the last two games than I can possibly count.

Lima Time, eh. Little bastard completely shut us down. Schilling kept giving em up. Millar looked mentally ill in left field. No Ortiz in the lineup. A weak groundout from Doug Mirabelli to end the only real threat of the game, and the Red Sox lose to the Kansas City Royals. Again. I’ll try to look at this rationally- we’re still two and a half games ahead of the Yankees, a better position the Sox were in at this time last year. You know, when they won the World Series and all. The majority of our games for the rest of the season are at home, including a relatively favorable homestand starting tonight against the Tigers.

Who do the Yankees play this weekend? The Royals at home. So the Sox better start not acting so uptight about everything, get their heads out of their asses, and start playing smart and good baseball like a 125 million dollar team should. Our rotation is in shambles right now, just face it. The bullpen is at the point where Jon Papelbon is pitching in a 6-4 game in the seventh. Someone in that clubhouse needs to step up, light a candle, and fire these bastards up. Now.

Did I ever mention how much I loved this team?

Thursday, August 25, 2005

More Pitching, Less Partying

At the end of the day, the game between the AAA Kansas City Royals and the $125 Million Dollar Boston Red Sox turned out to be a replay of David over Goliath. But Goliath didn’t exactly fight with its almighty power either, he let it slip away with walks and runners left on base. These games should be slaughters! It’s no coincidence that John Kruk called this years Royals "the worst team to ever play baseball" and they just finished a 19 game losing streak last week. A perfect opportunity to gain ground on the Yankees, and we let it slip away from our very own hands.

Papi killed a rally in the third with a double play. Manny failed to run down the first base line, resulting in criticism from the Rem Dawg himself, and Tek K’d and Millah lined out with the bases loaded in the seventh. Damon also grounded out with them loaded. The Sox had chances in pretty much every inning, but eventually, the alligator bit them in the ass and Cornroyo didn’t have his stuff in the eleventh. The Sox lost a heartbreaker to the Royals.

Where do we go from here? Well, for starters, the God Known As Curt Schilling will take the hill tonight for the Sox about three weeks too early. With the loss of Miller in the rotation, and Arroyo’s new home in the bullpen (?) Schilling gets the nod. His pitch count should be low. We’ll probably see J-Gonz tonight for a couple of innings (12 straight scoreless) and Foulke might be back during the homestand. Thank god the Yanks got their asses handed to them on a silver platter, or this East race would really be close.

I was reading on some articles that Eric Wilbur and Bob Ryan wrote about the Sox chances to repeat. Both of them had a negative view, saying the bullpen is a mess and they don’t have a clear ace (yet) to pitch in the big seventh game. I was worried for a minute, before I looked at the other teams in the AL. The White Sox inexperienced pitching and lack of offense will take them out. The Angels have an all-right handed bullpen that Papi, Manny and Damon will murder. The A’s and Tribe are two years away, and the Yankees are way too inconsistent. The NL isn’t much better.

Let’s just win tonight and move on to the Promised Land, okay?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Who Ate The Last Donut

- First of all, let’s get this Boomer Wells character straightened out. I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to fall in love with this dude. Sure he’ll probably get in a bar fight with a drunk Bruins fan and break his pitching arm sometime in the next month, but have you ever seen a player more intimidating on the mound? Everyone is scared of him. The guy could go pro in boxing or wrestling and be damn good at it. Supposedly he was feeling "under the weather" last night and had to come out after five. Funny how the guy can outlast chugging sixteen beers and not fight a headache. We were playing the Royals…

- As for the division race, can you even imagine if we actually win this thing? It seems like a million years since the Olde Towne Team has overcome those friggin Yankees and won the East. And there is a distinct possibility it happens in the last series of the season, at home, with the Yankees knowing they’ve choked in the ALCS, and now are watching the Hebrew Hammer and Tek give each other man hugs on the pitchers mound after the division clinching game. What else do we have to prove? Repeat?

- Why don’t the Royals just send Greinke down to the minors? The kid is obviously melting, his confidence level is about as high as Kenny Rogers, and there’s no doubt he’s going to eventually be alright. Sure it’s late in the season, but bring him back up in 06 after a little work. He’s 3-15 with an ERA around 6.5, those are not major league numbers for a 22 year old. Then again, they are the Royals…

- Good to see Nixon back in the lineup, and Edgah! is really steaming hot. I’m really starting to like the way he swings the bat, and that huge homer at Anaheim might be just a taste of the rest of the season. He might not be as popular or outspoken as Cabrera, so I think us loyal fans should accept that and stop ragging on him if he makes some errors. Orlando isn’t exactly tearing up the place over in Cali anyway. Let’s just all try to leave him alone. Now the wild card race shows the Indians and Yankees tied for first, and the faltering A’s a game back. Who will win it in the end?

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

MVP Chatter

Damon for MVP?

Think about it. This guy is the catalyst and leader of the wild pack known as the Boston Red Sox. He leads the AL in hitting, scores a ton of runs and has provided us with the most famous hair in recent memory. Some say it’s even better than those Eddie Murray sideburns. He’s second in the AL in hits, only behind by a measly two, and has improved his defense in center by a considerable margin. His range is outstanding, and even though a Barbie could throw a baseball farther than him (even Bernie Williams), he catches pretty much anything. He also made that huge catch to save the Matt Clement game in June, then promptly hit a homer in the tenth to win it. Plus, he’s appeared on more daytime talk shows than Tom Cruise.

Manny for MVP?

MVP doesn’t really describe Manny Ramirez. Sure he’s one of the most feared hitters in baseball, leads the league in RBI’s and is hitting around .400 since the deadline, but can you really give Manny the "Most Valuable Player" award after his deadline parade. He may be the most valuable player on the field (and how can you not with that bloated contract), but his .286 average and defensive woes may be holding him back.

Ortiz for MVP?

Nobody is more clutch than David Ortiz. And don’t give the bull about DH’s not getting the MVP, this guy is about as valuable as it gets. His stats are insane with two outs and runners in scoring position, and if you ask any pitcher in the bigs who they’d rather face with the tying run at third and two outs, they’d probably face Manny over Ortiz. He’s the new face and popular character in Boston. Hell, he might be even more popular than Nomah in his prime. Papi defines what "valuable" means for a team.

Who will win it in the end? That bastard named Alex Rodriguez.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Back In The Saddle

The journey is finally over. Three full weeks of no Red Sox games, having to result in following the bottom line like a madman and resorting to the 5 second Sox SC highlight to make room for the blueberry festival in Maine. The trip was great, though. We saw a game in Cleveland at the Jake, Philly’s new Citizens Bank Park (rained out after one, still got a cheese steak) and Camden. The Jake was the best- perfect weather, perfect seats, walk off homer and big comeback in a big game. But the crowd was about as loud as a courtroom. This is why Fenway is the one and only and shall never be compared.

Well, I’m back to Remy Land, finally, and I’m sorta going to recap what I’ve missed. I left just after the deadline and Manny didn’t get traded. The options on the board to get for Manny were worth vomiting on, so I’m really glad Theo didn’t pull the trigger. I mean, Mike Cameron, Huff and someone for Manny and a top prospect Anibal Sanchez. Morally and corruptly insane. Now we just push the "Manny being Manny" button and he’s back to pointing at the crowd, tipping his helmet and dancing in the dugout. I’ve come to this final conclusion: Manny Ramirez is a lunatic. A very rare lunatic that can hit a baseball 450 feet without trying.

The Sox promptly swept KC, with Schill recording a save in each game. The Manny return game came in a pinch hit situation, and he delivered the game winning ribbie and crowd just loved it. That was just the beginning of the KC losing streak that lasted 19 games, which unfortunately makes the Royals one of the worst teams ever to play pro baseball. I feel so sorry for Mike Sweeney (but don’t go to the Angels). The Sox then lost two of three to a hot Minnesota team. The series was full of horrible errors, mostly by Renteria and the big kahuna by Timlin, who blew the middle game with an awful, inexcusable and stupid throwing error. Bah.

The Texas series turned into a sweep, with the last one being a laugher on ESPN (I watched the last couple innings). Seriously, why hasn’t the Rangers front office even pushed for a starter in that dreadful rotation? What, does their ownership take after the Orioles? They’ve got to be the worst defensive team in baseball, too. We then took two impressive games against Chicago, with one game being postponed down 5-1 in the fourth. Hawk Harrelson must have loved that. The Detroit series was exciting, but mostly for the worse. Schill laid an egg in the first game, then Boomer gave up five in the first in the third game and they couldn’t come back. In a potential playoff preview, the Sox traveled to Anaheim and took a key two outta three, with Rent-A-Error hitting a clutch homerun and Manny providing insurance.

In that last game, Papelbon looked friggin impressive. This guy might be the future ace and it’s too bad he couldn’t get the W yesterday. As for the other players, well, Damon is leading the AL in hitting, so there’s not much to bitch about there. Manny and Ortiz are hitting the ball well, and even Edgah is climbing that average to around .280. Tek is consistently hitting, same with Mueller. And who died and made you Tony Graffanino!

I really can’t complain about the offense, it’s the pitching that’s in shambles. Schill goes back to the rotation and I just threw up in my mouth. Does he look ready? Not really, but they need him desperately. Wade Miller’s shoulder isn’t exactly as full strength, and Arroyo and Wake are struggling to say the least. The bullpen is on and off, I just want Manny Delcarmen back up in the bigs. Honestly though, Timlin will probably do fine closing. Now the Sox are off to KC, and I’m off to watch some NESN.