Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Blonde Magic?

Kevin Millar in stadium parking lot after his game winning home run against the Devil Rays:

Millar: Man, wouldn’t I love to see those idiot fans that always boo me after every 0 for 4 night. Ha! What a win. I’m so great, I might treat myself to KFC.

Fan #1: Hey Kevin! Great game! That home run you hit, wow, that thing just exploded off your bat. Prettiest swing in baseball, baby.

Millar: Thanks, man, I really appreciate the support. The swing was no problem. That bastard threw me a minor league fastball, what was I supposed to do, ya know? Hey, while you guys are out here, I might as well hook you up
(throws each fan "fun size" bottles of Jack Daniels).

Fan #2: Bahh, you still suck. Seven home runs this year, my infant nephew could hit seven in a season with a wall 302 feet away. You’re a bust and we all want John Olerud.

Millar: You mean Helmet Boy? That’s a joke. This is Kevin Millar, World Champion Boston Red Sox you’re talking to here. Remember the whole "win tonight, Pedro in 5, Schill in 6, anything in Game 7 routine"? All me, buddy.

Fan #1: Don’t listen to him.

Millar: You know that Johnny Damon sex tape?

Fan #1: No?

Millar: Well, it’s coming out soon. And Johnny isn’t the guy in it
(snickers wildly, shapes fingers like guns and pretends to be John Wayne).

Fan #2: So you’re not only a horrible baseball player with a glove made of stone and that damn bat wave that makes me want to execute a five state killing spree, but you did it with Michelle Damon. What a little bastard we got here.

Millar: Listen, I’m just a normal guy that likes to hit a home run once in a while. I like big breasts, Madden video games and an occasional Jim Beam like every normal human being. Not to mention that pimpish style walk I have
(attempts to do moonwalk, trips and falls on his face).

Fan #2: Nice one, Kev.

Millar: If you’ll excuse me, I have to get home to my mistress…I mean, wife, before she suspects I pull a Derek Lowe or something. Pleasure talking to Sox Nation. Drive home safely.

Fan #1: You’re a very strange man. But thanks for coming through. (whispers) Bout f**king time, if you ask me.


At 10:11 PM, Blogger Dude said...

So, Zach, is it Millar or Olerud you want? Make up your mind.

At 10:12 PM, Blogger Zach said...

Um, Dude, I gotta say Olerud right now. Havent I been on Millar's case all year?


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