Friday, September 09, 2005

Yankees Suck. Always Have. Always Will.

Yankee Hating is in my blood. My grandfather never had a favorite team growing up, he just rooted for the Yankees to lose. My father grew up a Senators then Orioles fan, and never in his life did he consider rooting for the Yankees, not even on his deathbed with a gun to his head. And it appears that has passed down to me, the ultimate Yankee hater who pretty much lives to one day see the Yankees collapse. Oh wait, that happened. Every time the Yanks and Sox meet up for the rest of my life, and I think I’m speaking for Sox Nation here, we’ll think of the grand year of 2004, when all hell broke loose and the Yankees succesfully executed a choke of indefinite proportions. Best moment of my life, when they finally finished off Game Seven. Until about a week later.

Then there’s the fans. Those arrogant, selfish, cocky-to-the-point-of-considering-murdering-them-and-accepting-life-in-jail, ass holes that call themselves the best fans in baseball. Truly, they’re all degenerate schmucks that will turn their back on the team if anything went seriously wrong. A friend in New York told me that after Game Seven, he’d never seen so many Red Sox hats in Manhattan before. I guess some of them are alright, but about 90% are complete dicks. I feel very strongly about this.

George Steinbrenner. He buys players like they’re toilet paper. He dumps players like their candy wrappers. I mean, would it KILL you to sign Bernie Williams for one more season after all he’s done for the Yankees? Would thinking about the future of your team just light a fire in your head? He compares his work to evil dictators and Civil War commanders. He treats his staff, manager and players like dog poop. If you’re good, he loves you. One year you hit .240, he won’t speak to you. I have my sources.

Then there’s that damn Yankee luck. Because they’ve won so many championships and have had so many great players, it’s like nothing bad can ever happen to them. All the frontrunners and Yankee bandwagoners, it just drives me to the point of suicide. And believe it or not, I didn’t mind the 98-00 Yankees THAT much. I disliked them, but I didn’t really hate them. Who do they remind me of? These Boston Red Sox. They had great team chemistry, played for the love of the game, and if you went up 5-0 and they started creeping back, you had a feeling they were going to win the game. Just the way it was with those winning Yankee teams, and now with the World Champion Sox. World Champion Sox. Heh.

(And about Yankee Stadium. They’re getting rid of it in 2008! Are you KIDDING me? This is the House that Ruth Built, for chrissakes. Do they realize that this is one of the most beloved and historic places in New York and in all of baseball? Fenway’s not going down any time soon.)

Back to the teams. This Yankee team I despise and I can’t even begin to describe the magnitude of that statement. They’re full of steroid-using cheaters that are vastly overpaid, act like they’re Army Brigade 435 of Virginia on the baseball field, and don’t even like each other. I mean, would it kill any of you to break a smile? You’re playing baseball for a living, making millions of dollars and wearing pinstripes! It’s like Steinbrenner shaves all their hair, brainwashes them to be ignorant bastards, then orders them a trip to the Lava Pit if they crack a grin. You see Manny point at the dugout in laughter when he gets a double. You see A-Rod lick his purple lips and frown when he gets a double. The teams are like polar opposites, and I’ll tell you, I’m so glad I’m on the right side.

Jeter’s fist pump. Michael Kay's voice. A-Rod’s bush league slap of Arroyo’s glove that gave him the Pantheon nickname Slappy McChokeRod. Doesn’t Posada just look like a dickhead? Doesn’t Gary Sheffield give you the feeling he isn’t in the mood to go out to dinner after the game for some social time? Jason Giambi is an admitted steroid user and cheater, and all of a sudden he’s this big hero? What am I missing here? Joe Torre looks like he’s been beaten with a frying pan and hasn’t flinched this entire season, and that’s a fact. At least he isn’t picking his nose as much.

I don’t like the Yankees. Let’s wrap up this division and do it in their house.


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