Friday, April 29, 2005

Hitting The Panic Button

Another night, another Sox loss. 24 more hours to weep and cry and moan and bitch about the daily crap this team displays on the baseball field. Totally lackluster and non-interested effort tonight, I can’t believe we’re seeing such poor baseball out of a team made up of 125 million dollars. Theo might have to get up off the recliner and make a move soon. Why are balls falling between Damon and Manny in center? Why are so many of Wake’s knuckleballs high in the zone? Start playing smart and win some friggin games.

Some new Red Sox stuff that just hit the market:

Edgar Renteria 0 for 4 Action Figure: It’s all under your control with the Edgar Renteria 0 for 4 action figure! Do you want Edgar to strike out four times tonight, then go ahead! Or would you prefer two flyouts to center and a couple weak grounders? Any way you want Edgar to go 0 for 4, he goes 0 for 4! Just rotate the scroll under the base of the figure to choose how he should get out tonight. We also just added a new feature: the Orlando Cabrera 3 for 4 action figure!

Terry Gets Tossed: The newest computer game from Red Sox, Inc. features Terry Francona getting thrown out of the game, followed by you trying to fire up the team in any sort of way possible. It’s a bad night in Baltimore, with the Sox down 6-2 in the eighth, when Francona sprints out of the dugout and purposely gets ejected just to pump up the team. Now, it’s all up to you. The levels:

Rookie: Someone moves in the dugout.
Veteran: Someone claps in the dugout.
All-Star: The batboy runs out to retrieve the broke bat.
MVP: Manny considers hugging someone, then decides against it because that doesn’t fly with Mr. Henry.
Hall of Fame: Dave Wallace bitch-slaps Matt Mantei.

Millah Does His Best Knoblauch Impression: Just released! Have Bill Mueller throw a gun to first base, where Kevin Millar catches the ball, then inevitably chucks it into the stands throwing back to third! How high you throw the ball into the stands determines your point total. If you tally up your errors in one game, and beat Kevin Millar’s total for the season, you win! (It’s never been done).

Manny And Papi Go Yard: This is, by far, the trickiest game out there. Here’s the deal: You have to hit one home run with either Manny or Ortiz. Easy, right? Well, here’s the trick. Just like in every Red Sox game this season, you can’t get any more hits (single, double) with either of them! Just a home run, then you have to get out every other at-bat. Tough rules, I know, but this is what our company felt best imitated the players. A home run, that’s all, any other type of hit is UNACCEPTABLE.

Time For Dinner, Boomer: Have David Wells consume a life-threatening amount of donuts in under a minute, and keep lowering his ERA in the process. If Boomer eats over 300 donuts in under a minute, his ERA is lowered to an obscure 10.20! If Boomer eats over 500 donuts in under a minute, his ERA might reach LOWER THAN EIGHT! Plus, at the end, we scan Boomer’s body and see how many donuts are clogged inside his lungs. Always fun.

Schill Speaks His Mind: This talking doll replica of Curt Schilling comes with a small speaker near his mouth area just for you to hear everything he wants to say, at any time. Want to hear Schill’s opinion on man-hands and KFC chicken? Just ask, and he’ll give you a 30-minute lecture on the subject, complete with him using the word “idiot” at least eight times. Want to hear Schill’s opinion on Brad Mills’ front teeth? All ya gotta do is ask. Complete with bloody ankle.

I’m. Not. Happy.


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