Boomer Thoughts, Part I

The life of David “Boomer” Wells during his first few weeks with the Boston Red Sox, and the thoughts that loom his abnormally large noggin, thoughts that no other but Boomer could create:

Spring Training, March 23: I don’t see what’s so lovable about this team, anyway. Maybe I’m just bitter because guys named Jose Chaquin and Mikel Ordenbach and beating the living crap out of my hanging curveball, but where’s the team chemistry? I don’t see any never-ending handshakes or man hugs I so enjoyed visualizing before I went to sleep every night? Plus, the front office now has me on a tight leash. Supposedly, I can’t go out the night before my start and drown myself in Heineken. Who are they to tell Boomer what to do, anyway?

Opening Day, April 3: Crap, I just got beaten like a pinata by my former teammates. Just great, I go into Yankee Stadium and they boo me, the same Yankee fans that sucked my venom just two years ago. Was it Game 5 of the 2003 World Series that pissed everyone off? I just don’t see why I joined this Red Sox team when I could have actually been a Yankee my whole life. Did you hear that crowd tonight? They were cheering on every pitch, giving standing ovations to every player, hell, even THG Giambi got an ovation. Not many fans do that. If it turned out Ramon Vasquez was juiced up, would Red Sox fans give him an ovation? Didn’t think so.

Second Start, April 9: God, please let me be anywhere else in the world right now, on any other team in the world, even in Taiwan I’d be more comfortable. As a Yankee, I’d be fine, because that’s where I truly want to be in my heart. I gotta be back in the Stadium, not getting my ass handed to me by the friggin Blue Jays at the Skydome. What has my career come to? And what’s up with Mills giving me the hook when Boomer was just starting to cruise? Joe Torre knows how to manage a ball club.

Last Night, April 20: Boomer, Boomer, Boomer, yes, that’s me, Boomer Wells, pitching like Cy Young, baby. Two straight shutouts, my great teammates handing me 18 runs in those games, everything going my way. All my pitches are hitting the spots, I’m changing speeds with perfection, and I’m finally on track with my catcher Tek. I love my teammates, the city of Boston is really great, and I’m starting to get used to these guys. Wow, was I dominating. Then my boy Varitek makes it 4-0, just keep piling it on, boys. Not that I need it or anything. God, and those puss-ass Yanks are 6-9, the hell with them. I would keep writing but…

Baltimore is a great party town.