Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Boss, You Wanted To See Me

Keith Foulke talks to Theo Epstein the day after his blown save:

Foulke: Hey, Big T. We still on for that guitar session?

Theo: Yeah, come in, have a seat. Coffee? Donuts? Salami sandwich? Haha, just pulling your leg.

Foulke: Life sucks right now, man. I’ve got absolutely no zip on my fastball, my changeup looks about as big and puffy to a hitter as Drew Carey, and even the dude from Burger King across the street is booing me. I feel like everything’s my fault.

Theo: Well, that’s the funny part about all this. IT IS! Don’t you realize that? Your blown save ratio is off the charts to our standards, your ERA is near the highest for closers in the league, and it makes me wonder if we need to make some changes.

Foulke: You’re gonna cut me? Let me go? Shoo me out into that unforgiving wilderness full of beasts and famine and Glenn Ordway. We were doin’ so well, boss. Remember that strikeout against Tony Clark in Game 6 of the ALCS, huh, ya remember that ball-busting inning I magnificently executed. Any other closer and your cursed honky ass would be watching the pinstripes dance in the middle of that field.

Theo: I don’t think we can keep you in the closers role, Keith. You’ll still be on the team and all, but Timlin has pitched pretty well and we want to try him out as the big man on campus. His ERA when starting an inning is under one.

Foulke: God, you guys. Isn’t he like 48?

Theo: I walked right into that one, didn’t I. But really, I can’t stand watching you close out games anymore. It’s like jumping on a roller coaster and not knowing when the hell it’s going to stop. Every pitch, every inning, every at-bat is complete and total torture. After that Hafner ding-dong, I immediately had to call up my hookers before the game ended just to sooth the pain. That never happens!

Foulke: I had some great ideas for us, too. Like The Life And Times Of Keith Foulke: Hero To Tragedy. We’d sell millions and be richer than the Hilton sisters.

Theo: Listen, you’re still on the ball club, which means there’s a slight chance Johnny Damon’s wife will walk into the locker room at any moment. You’re practically a household name after making the last out, huh. C’mon, you’ve got the chicks. Who can resist that sexy upper lip.

Foulke: Okay, okay. Did you consult Tito about this?

Theo: Are you kidding? He’d come up with some “aw, give him another chance, he’s a great guy and a great player and we love him” routine. Followed up by tobacco juice pouring out of his mouth.

Foulke: Yeah, that was probably a good idea. So, you still got that salami sandwich?


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