Decisions, Decisions

Conversations between Brian Cashman and his assistant GM before making a big pitching sign/trade:

December 13, 2003

Cashman: What do you think of getting this Kevin Brown?

Assistant: The Dodgers are demanding an awful lot. It would probably take another talent pool from our farm system. At this route, we might not be able to field a team at the AA level, Brian.

Cashman: Why don’t we give them a major league guy? Like Weaver? He sucks..

Assistant: That may be true, but he’s extremely young and has boatloads of potential. Brown is getting up there in age and has a history of back problems.

Cashman: I’m sure he’ll be fine once he puts on pinstripes. With him in the rotation, it will give us an experienced ace that can win that big Game 7 against the Red Sox. What do those bastards want?

Assistant: Weaver, Brozaban and Weeden. A ton of cash, too.

Cashman: Who the hell is Brozaban?

Assistant: Brian, he’s one of our top prospects. Are you even aware that we have a farm system? I bet you can’t name one minor league team, well, maybe you can because all you do is ship them away.

Cashman: All I give a rats ass about is the Yankees. Tell them the deal is done. When this guy wins the Cy Young, you’ll thank me.

December 16, 2003

Cashman: Who should we purchase today, my man.

Assistant: Javy Vasquez is out there. There’s some issues, but with your state of mind, he’ll for sure be in New York by the end of this meeting!

Cashman: What issues?

Assistant: First off, he’s never played in a group of fans as big as 756, and they’re mostly made of Hooters waitresses and Canadian wrenches who couldn’t pronounced "sac bunt" without collapsing in laughter. Um, he started off slow in his career. I just smell a bad situation here.

Cashman: No, you’re crazy. Actually, this morning my scarf told me I should get the bastard. Anyway, he kills left handed hitters, something unusual for a young righty. The kid is a stud. He’s exactly the guy we’d want facing like…Johnny Damon or Mark Bellhorn in a pivotal Game 7. We’re the friggin Yankees, we can’t lose.

Assistant: Your confidence blows me away, Boss. I’ll get him.

Cashman: You know, those 79 Pirates jerseys we’re great.

December 20, 2004

Assistant: Sir, you don’t look too good.

Cashman: Ever since we’ve executed The Greatest, Biggest and Most Colossal Choke In The History Of Modern American Sports all I’ve eaten is stale corn bread and leftover cookies Billy Crystal made for me. I haven’t showered, shaved or seen the light of day. I spend my days watching Saved by the Bell and talking to my invisible cat, Yogi.

Assistant: Ouch.

Cashman: Who’s on the list?

Assistant: Carlos Beltran is the big guy on the market. He’s extremely young, is coming off a monster postseason, and fits the gap in center when Bernie wilts away. I think he’s a perfect fit in New York, and what better way to piss off Mets fans, huh.

Cashman: Don’t like him.

Assistant: What?

Cashman: You heard me. I want Carl Pavano and Jaret Wright.

Assistant: I mean, yeah, those guys had breakout seasons last year. But you have to look at the long term goal of this ballclub. Pavano and Wright will be another combined 16 mil, and they’ve had one good season their entire careers. Wright’s had more shoulder surgeries than my 96 year old grandmother. What, is one year wonder pitchers like your fetish or something?

Cashman: I don’t see why not.

Assistant: Listen, we got Randy in the bag after choking on our dicks and not getting him in the middle of last season. He’s the ace. We have Mussina, too. I just don’t trust these guys.

Cashman: I know exactly what I’m doing. Our training staff is the best in the game. Wright’s shoulder problems are behind him, and Pavano was one of the best in baseball last year. These guys are solid expenses. I mean, who do you want, some bum like Al Leiter? HA!

Assistant: I’m just gonna go throw up. Be right back.

Cashman: Make sure to wipe around the toilet.