Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Blow Some Steam

Let’s play a quick round of Guess The Sox Player!

1. I make a habit of filling my pre and post game food plate with KFC chicken and shots of Jack Daniels whiskey. I may be a wreck at first base, but who’s the guy that believed, huh? Just the way Sox Nation likes it, then POW! I make another error. Or go 0 for 4. Take your pick. Anyway, I’m a firm believer in humping animals at the zoo, making the ladies happy at all times and grabbing my crotch.

2. Remember when I won the batting title in 2003? Neither do I.

3. Maybe my mechanics are messed up, maybe my changeup is as straight as ever, maybe my fastball doesn’t even clock 89 anymore, but I‘ll be fine. I’m struggling mightily right now, yes, I admit it. If anyone knows of a good orphopaedic surgeon around the Boston area, I’d really like to know. The DL is calling.

4. I like donuts a lot and try to eat them every day. When I forget, I feel really bad because I know I let my body and myself down. Sometimes I like coffee with my donuts too. There’s nothing better than chillin at Dunkin Donuts, eating a 12 pack’a powdered, sippin some coffee and reading Gun and Truck magazine. Some doctors said I should try eating healthy. But who cares, my career is probably over.

5. I love attention. Whenever my wife and I decide to go on another honeymoon or throw down another kick ass pool party with complete strangers, I make sure to buy a camera and tape it all, then send it to so everyone sees this awesome tan I got surfing. Gotta love the good life. I’m planning to write another book this winter titled: The Life Of A Caveman: I Hunt Buffalos For Fun. Complete with CD ROM re-counting my entire life story.

6. I think Tony LaRussa is a complete and total idiot. Worse than all these damn left-wingers that parade this state. He’s just a total moron to do what he did, and I, for one, decided to get my opinion out there on this idiot. To call out a former player the way he did the other day, you know, you must be filled with ignorance and jealousy. He wants him back in the Lou, no doubt. End of story. Excuse me while I make this family of four driving about 50 MPH on the freeway shut up.

7. I’m a Greek God. Tito said my penis was small. He’s right.

8. It’s me again, hey. Since I’m a Lee Dungaree type of guy, I’m gonna tell you a secret. I have this thing fo Johnny Damon’s wife, ya know, it’s getting serious. First, she stroked my hair during batting practice, right in the middle of the friggin field, guys! Then I felt the need to give something back. It went too far. I mean, what we did takes Cowboy Up to a whole new level.

9. I’m sitting in my home eating sushi and watching the Sox. Good times with those guys. I see Tek catch a foul ball and just want to carry his mask back to the dugout for him. I see Damon’s hair swooping in the wind and really feel the urge to rub his upper leg. I see Tizzle hit another homerun and really want to give him a big bear hug. Watch out for the Hebrew Hammer in a ballpark near you.

10. I can’t decide that better word for my overall performance this season: shmuck, debacle, disgusting, ghastly, clusterfuck or just plain bad. I’m leaning towards clusterfuck.

Answers: 1. Kevin Millar, 2. Bill Mueller, 3. Keith Foulke, 4. David Wells, 5. Johnny Damon, 6. Curt Schilling, 7. Kevin Youkilis, 8. Kevin Millar, 9. Gabe Kapler, 10. Edgar Renteria


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