Thursday, April 07, 2005

Good Times, Really Crappy Times

Thanks to the guys at Surviving Grady for the idea:

Conversation between Mariano Rivera and George Steinbrenner following the Yankees April 6 loss against the Red Sox, where Rivera blew his second consecutive save:

Rivera: Boss?

Steinbrenner: What the hell are you doing out there on that mound? You’re embarrassing me and the entire city of New York, you know that right? (makes weird grunting noise)

Rivera: I know, I’m struggling a little bit. But if your prized possession doesn’t boot a routine grounder, we win the game. I don’t see the big problem here.

Steinbrenner: Listen, the 10 million I’m supposed to be paying you doesn’t fall out of the friggin sky…

Rivera: Boss, this won’t happen again. It really won’t happen again.

Steinbrenner: Too late.

Rivera (confused): Too late?

Steinbrenner: We’re going with Flash for a while. You seem like you need a break, just hang low for a while.

Rivera: Hang low? What? Do you have any idea how much I’ve done for this franchise? I’m the greatest closer of all-time and you’re going to bench me because I blew a couple of freak games? Do you have any clue how hard this is?

What the hell do you want me to do? Wear really fancy sweaters and not smile at the cameras? Attempt to beat up Jason Varitek with his mask on? Play some sax with Bernie?

Steinbrenner: I know, I know, it’s just that all the blown saves are really starting to piss me off.

Rivera: Time to face the real problem here, Boss. You’ve got a first baseman that’s injecting chemicals up his ass, and another that’s seven years past his prime. Your 252 million dollar Choke Delight continues to provide nothing but average numbers and average defense. Your center fielder is wilting away. And we haven’t even seen Jaret Wright blow a game yet…

Steinbrenner: …And a closer that walked David McCarty and Doug Mirabelli in the ninth inning. Can you drop this check in Alex’s mailbox on your way out?

Rivera: Yes, boss.

(passes Billy Martin on the way out)

Martin: Man, I know exactly how you feel.


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